Don't Stop Believing

It's that time of year again when happiness is in the air and you can feel the love being shared between family and friends. 

But this season always brings me a little bit of sadness as well. You see, I've had multiple discussions with those close to me through out the years and they all result in the same thing. Me being made fun of by none believers. Here I am, blogging my beliefs so we can get over this once and for all. 

I, Rebecca Ann, here at the age of 23 years old, still believes in Santa. 

And no, I don't just believe in the 'idea' of Santa. I believe he is real. I know he lives in the North Pole with cute little elves that work year round for a single, precious night. And by the power of magic he is able to reach house after house to deliver these gifts to all the starry eyed children that still believe. Also that Mrs. Claus makes the best sugar cookies and hot cocoa. 

Now, I'm not stupid. I know that my mom will slip a few presents under the tree for me, just as I do for her. 

And no, I don't get gifts from Santa anymore because I believe that I've come to the age of understanding that Christmas isn't just about the presents, or the awesome food, or whatever. It's about coming together to be a family. It's about helping those in need. And about sharing love between everyone we meet. 

I will admit that I don't know how Santa does it all. How he can go to so many houses across the earth, or how no one has been able to find his workshop. But I also don't know how come I love eating pizza and ice cream so much when all it does is make me fat. 

This does make me a little sad though when I have these talks with loved ones for many reasons. The fact that in my mind, they have lost the magic is heartbreaking. Just like Peter Pan in Hook had stopped believing. Same thing. I feel like Tinkerbelle trying to get my friends to just clap their hands for goodness sake. And I also feel like they're missing out on something truly incredible. Christmas is so much better when you have been wondering what Santa is up to and what the reindeer are eating for their big night, and the big question, do the elves ever sleep?? 

My opinion, don't be like Peter at the dinner table watching everyone eat air out of wood bowls. Close your eyes, hold your breath, and maybe just maybe, you'll hear Santa's sleigh bells 

Saying Hello

The time has finally come. I'm actually moving out of Alpine! I've lived here for an unbelievably three long years and now I'm gone. I sat in my church building last Sunday looking around, thinking of all the laughs I've had in this ward, all the tears shed, all the friends that have become my family. The little girl that moved into this tiny apartment never could have dreamed of becoming this.

Over the three years there have been two cars, ten roommates, blown up grapes, lots of sleepovers, a few makeovers, bacon that was set 'almost' on fire, family that was lost, friends that were made, countless all nighters, Disney marathons, buckets of ice cream, dance parties, and roughly a billion lost bobby pins.

Nervous is a polite way of describing my feelings about this new adventure. A new career in hand, a new roof, and a sorta new car makes me a little uneasy but also incredibly excited about tomorrow!

With how I was raised, I refuse to say goodbye. It's too permanent. If someone is in my life, no matter the amount of time, I carry them with me for forever. The thought of never seeing someone again, of never hearing their laugh is unbearable. Even for this stupid apartment that I've lived in for too long, I won't say goodbye. I'll say hello to tomorrow and the happiness that awaits us all instead.

Dealing with Trials

There's that saying that goes...

 

A gem cannot be polished without friction,

nor a man perfected without trials.

-Lucious Seneca

 

 

Well then, I better be the flippin' diamond on some famous celebrity's hand after this life. 

Now don't misunderstand me here.  I realize that everyone has their own story of heartaches and tears.  Sometimes I just feel like my trials are on steroids.  And it's times like these that I realize just how much words can hurt or help.  For example

 

Trial #1

Mom called me telling me it was time to go home to Payson to say farewell to my beloved Aunt.  This call hit me harder than I ever thought it would. In a panic I ran out the door with memories flashing through my mind of Myrl, her laughter, her grape juice, her sass, just everything. I then found out that as much as you stare at your car, your keys will not magically appear in your hand.  While I waited for a friend to help me out and unlock my door so I could retrieve my keys, I felt like I was losing my mind.  Time felt like molasses in the dead of winter. I was going crazy. 

Finally he came with the magical key and I was on my way home.

 

Trial #2

I drove to Payson.  I wasn't really crying, maybe a tear here and there but for the most part I was good.  I was just preparing to see my family.  I didn't know what to say.  All I could think was Just a few more blocks, you're almost there... and crunch.  Ok, more like BOOM!!

I pulled over on the side of the road and cried.  My brand new baby. My Watson.  The car I bought all by myself less than a month ago was...hurt...  I could see in the rear view mirror my bumper in the middle of the road.  A little old man walking toward me trying to ask if I was ok.  All I knew was my head hurt. My shoulder hurt.  I wanted to die. I hate Minnesota.  Yep, that pretty much sums up my thought process. 

I have never in my life been so rude to a stranger...

 

Even though it was all I could do to keep myself together it's still no excuse.

Although I didn't lose sleep over it.  After today I just might though.  I realized just how powerful words can be.

 

Last night my two beautiful roommates and two of my best friends were at my side.  Words were said that were like bandaids on my broken heart.  The hugs and love I felt from them were the best and exactly what I needed. 

 

I felt so hurt last night, like God was just picking on me for no reason.  So many of my loved ones have been taken from me recently.  And the ones not so loved aren't really helping the situation.  Also, really? My car? What did my car have to do with anything? He isn't even a month old...

BUT
My friends told me they loved me
My roommate called my Rocky
My cousin said "Cars can be replaced, Beccas cannot"
My favorite aunt just hugged me
Things were starting to feel OK

Now it's time to deal with these trials.
Now I have to be strong when friends tease me about the accident, or locking my keys in my room.  I feel so vulnerable and it's time to realize that no one really knows what happens behind closed doors.  Now I need to remember that teasing really isn't nice and does nothing to help the other person.  Kind words are the best words.
For example
#1
When I got to work this morning my boss asked me what happened (she saw the photo on facebook) and I just started to cry. I was hurting all over, hadn't slept, or ate, and she just hugged me.  She also made everyone be nice to me too, which was a great bonus!
#2 Trina got me flowers, Savannah got me ice cream and a beautiful card.  Those girls know me so well
#3 My Mom texted me and just said, "Love you sweetheart"
#4 Friends texted just to check in and make sure I was ok
#5 Parker said "love you cuz" It's always so nice to have family, even when you don't see each other all the time, remind you that they care

I will never know what's really going on in my friends and family's lives but after today, after seeing such drastic reactions, I don't ever want to be pain in anyone's life.  I want to be the bandaid.  I want to be the kind words that are needed. I want to be the hug that holds them together.  The world is hard enough as it is, trials don't make it any better.  But if we remember that once upon a time and some day after the happily ever after and every day in between, we are all brothers and sisters. 

My new goal, just be nice to everyone.
Anyone want to join me?



When Time Changes Everything

A week and a year ago is when everything changed.
For the better or the worse I've yet to fully decide.
Somehow I do find peace in the fact that I was one of the last members of the family to speak with my Grandma that day. When I held her hand and promised her everything was going be ok little did I know that in an hour I would be begging for that same confidence.
In that time, my idea of family changed.
The goals I had for myself changed.
My purpose changed.
My life changed.
I changed.

The woman who was my rock and foundation had returned home and somehow my Mom, Aunt, and I were left with a mess that we are still, to this day trying to figure out.  Sunday Dinners won't ever be the same, neither will trips to Zion Canyon, or any holiday for that matter.

In the past year we have created new traditions, built our family back in the best ways possible, and in my own opinion, began the road to discovering the best parts of ourselves.

In this past year I have:

• Made a quilt.  All by myself. Half by hand, half by machine.  All of it put together on Her quilting frames.
• Balanced callings in the Church that I know I never did alone because She always stood beside me.
• Faced trials that should have broken me but She helped pick me up every time.
• Hiked Timpanogos Mountain. 1 down, 16 more times to go... 

I don't know if I will ever fully understand God's purpose, or why and when and how he does things but in this past year I'm learning to accept that if it's what He wants then I want it too.

Sometimes I still get mad at her for leaving me like this though.  But after spending the evening at Timp Temple with my best friend, knowing that the names we are doing the work for means that some how, some way, those people get to be with their family once again and for all eternity .  Just like when the time comes that my family will be united once again and have peace.

Time really does change everything.
Slowly, I'm starting to like the change I'm seeing in myself, friends and family.