Did You Know That I Love You?

Have you ever wanted to tell a certain someone just how much you love them?
Have you ever taken a moment to think and realize that everything could change with the morning light? 
Life changes in the blink of an eye. 
What if you never said the words that are written every where but not on the hearts of those that need to hear it? 
Are you holding words back in fear of the consequences? 
I have piles of letters that are full of words I never said. If I could go back I would do whatever it took to say everything in my heart. 
I would tell my best friends not to move for I would miss them so much... I would tell my Grandpa that I love him... 
Hold my cousins tight and sing a Justin Bieber song with them... 
 I would tell my Grandma that I'm sorry... 
Tell my friends just how much they mean to me... 
So many "I love you"'s 
 Too many, "I'm sorry"'s... 
 But I can't... 
Most of those who I would tell the secrets of my heart are no longer in my life. I can't change the past. I can't raise the dead. I can't unburn bridges. 
 Now I try harder... I tell my roommates that I love them every day because let's face it, I do. I can't imagine better friends than these girls I live with. 
I remind my Mom how much I care. No one else on earth can put up with me like she can and still love me at the end of the day. 
 Life can beat us down. Trials can make us feel alone. 
So why do we hold back words that could most likely help ourselves and the other person? I would give the world to call up my cousin to talk about boys, or school, or just whatever and end up laughing about it all. But those bridges are burned beyond recovery. 
 What I wouldn't give to hug my Grandparents again. But their time here is finished. 
And my childhood friends have moved and I have no way of talking or even finding some of them. 
 I don't want this for my future. 
I don't know what our world will be like come morning so just in case I don't get to see you please don't forget: 
I love you 
I think of you constantly 
You're always in my prayers 
You mean more to me than you will ever know 
I am who I am today because of your life and your example 
So thank you

Introverting

It's funny actually, when I started to write this post I ended up having a conversation with my roommate about this exact thing before she even knew about my blog idea.  It was a strange topic between and extrovert and an introvert.  It was difficult for me to explain how I can't party every night, or the fact that being alone on a Friday night really isn't all that bad.  Introversion really is an odd thing when you live with three extroverts.  I'm just thankful that they try to understand my way of life and more importantly, they let me live it without trying to make me change.  I found this list of myths about introverts and I thought I would add in my point of view along with it.

First off, many people think that being an introvert means you don't like to talk.  So unbelievably false. I love talking.  But here's the trick, I have to be interested in the subject.  If you want to talk about soccer or hiking, sit down.  Wanna talk about golf? Cool, go find someone else to talk with.

Also, like #3 says, I don't beat around the bush.  Of which I know I have offended some but that was never my intention.  I just like to get to the point. And maybe I'm a little too blunt at times.

Myth #2.  Shyness.  For me this is kinda iffy. I can be shy around new people or in new places.  By the time we're friends and you see how loud I can be you'll begin to wonder where Shy Becca went and if she's coming back any time soon.  But really, I wish everyone would read and act on the last part of the paragraph.  It's so nice when people just start talking because you'll be waiting years if you think I'll start the conversation.  

Alrighty, #4.  This is kinda true.  I don't like crowds.  Nope, not gonna do it.  If you're having a party with 20+ people, cool, have fun.  I'll be home reading.  No offense to you or your friends but I physically can't handle it.  If you see me at a party just realize some one bribed me to be there and I'll be leaving soon.

Ok we kinda got into #5 already.  The whole thing about recharging is key.  I rarely go out the day after a party with friends.  It's so odd, even to me, but I am just spent and need time to get my mind back in order.  This is another thing I talked about with my roommate.  I don't know if this is a normal thing for introverts but my mind is always running, I'm always thinking.  I have 4 different journals just to keep my mind straight.  I can't keep everything in just one notebook.

YAY! #6 is a great one.  I enjoy 'Quiet Becca Time' but I get super lonely.  After three days or so I need a friend to call or something to do with a roommate.  One catch, if I'm dealing with a problem good luck getting me to do anything until I've solved that problem.

If you know me at all you know enough about Myth #7.  I follow no crowd.  Unless we're fighting zombies but that's a whole other blog post.  I prefer to be different, not necessarily stand out, (by all means, PLEASE don't single me out) but different is good for me. 

Hello, Myth #8 and goodbye world.  My mind can be so much more entertaining then your story about some chick you met at the gym.  Also, I get distracted by others.  If we're having a deep conversation but I keep watching people walk around or I'm looking at other objects in the room I promise I really am listening.  I'm just weird and need to study my environment too...

Myth #9 = LIES! I am Queen at relaxing.  If your idea of relaxing is clubbing then we'll hang out later when all your energy is gone.  My friends that get me out to parties can testify to the fact that I shut down.  It's not a choice.  I don't decide to sit in a corner and not participate.  Some times I really wish that I could get up and party with everyone else.  I'm jealous of those social butterflies that have a million and two friends, those girls that can go up to a cute guy and walk away with a date.  In the meantime I'll just sit on the couch, day dreaming and hoping that some how, in some way the guy I like will figure out that I like him and ask me out on a date.

Number 10.  It cuts deep when people tell me to change.  Whether it's how I look at things, act around people or whatever.  It hurts. This is who I am.  I'm a little awkward, kinda nerdy, and really quiet.  But I promise you if we hang out with some (key: not a lot) of people and give me time you just might be able to call an introvert your friend.

A quote from the book "Quiet" by Susan Cain said, "As with other complementary parings - masculinity and femininity, East and West, liberal and conservative - humanity would be unrecognizable, and vastly diminished, without both personality styles."

So there ya go extroverts, it takes two to tango.

Haha but really, it's a great book and everyone should read it!  Maybe you'll learn a thing or two that you wouldn't have learned in your math 1010.

Choosing the Right Shield

The other night I was out with friends from work, some of them are not LDS which leads to some pretty awesome or awkward conversations.  We were laughing about how some of us are immature while others are more responsible. 
Let's guess who fell into these rolls ;)
Pause
Remember back in primary when we were given CTR rings with that little green shield encircling those letters?  I never understood how a little ring with three letters could 'protect' me.  I knew that if I followed those little words that I would be blessed but never did I think that a ring could actually protect me from outside forces.
Resume
While laughing at a mildly inappropriate joke I shook my head at my friend, teasing him about his foul mouth when he said, "Trust me.  If it wasn't for your little ring there I would've said and done a whole lot worse."  I asked him what MY ring had to do with his language and/or behavior.  All he could do was shake his head and say 'I don't know'.
I've noticed for myself while having side conversations with friends saying that he is different around me, that he tries to be a better man.  Or there are times that he goes to say something but chokes on his own words.  It's like there is something thing pushing him to be a little better.
For the first time in my life I realized that because of a simple little choice I make on a daily basis to show my faith that it could literally protect me from outside forces.  My friend doesn't really understand what he is feeling, but he has mentioned in several conversations that he knew from the first moment we met that he couldn't mess with me, couldn't hurt me, and that I was a force to be reckoned with, simply because I wore a ctr ring.
I guess choosing a shield to carry every day doesn't have to be a large and heavy one.  A simple little band can do wonders.

 

The Power In A Name

For weeks I've ben debating if and how to write this post.  I've wanted to express my feelings for so long, now I'm finally letting it out
My name is Rebecca Ann Murdock.  Most people from the Springville area know me as Richard's daughter.
I always hated being know as a daughter of a man who was too weak to be a father. I felt like a plague where ever I went.  Being judged for something I had no control over was a constant trial for me.
A few weeks ago I was able to meet the man I share a last name with.  While I sat across the table from him I searched for something familiar, something to prove we are similar.  I found nothing but a common interest in guns.  With this realization I have finally found peace.
There really is power in a name
And I am now choosing that power.
I am the granddaughter of Jean L Hancock.  A woman who was unbelievable strong and loyal inside and outside the Church.  A person known widely in her community as a servant and a trust worthy friend.
Joseph Stacy Murdock was one of the first to be baptized and join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and a personal friend to both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.
I am also a descendant of Soloman Hancock.  A man who made peace with the Native Americans in the state of Utah so the Mormons could live in peace.
The list goes on and on from Murdock to Lindsay to Hancock.
My lineage has strength and respect.  I come from multiple lines that carried power in the Church and in many communities.
I am no longer allowing the power of Richard's name hang over my head like a dark cloud.
I choose to take a step into the past and stand beside my true family's name with honor.
My name is Rebecca Ann Murdock and I have some pretty awesome guardian angels.

A little while ago a friend of mine asked me what I was thinking about.  I laughed and said, "Where should I start?"  Clearly he does not understand the female mind.  For those of you who are in the same boat as him here is a statement that sums it all up fairly well. 
A woman's mind is like opening up 2,749 browsers, all open to different pages.  One has music playing and while trying to find that single page you notice that there is a page all about recipes.  This makes you hungry but because you are lazy, a tab with local restaurants that deliver ,is opened.  And while you place your order you remember that annoying page that is playing music, once again you begin the hunt to end the awful elevator music when...
Yup.  That's it perfectly.  To give you an insight of my mind here are just a few things I'm thinking about..

• Those cinnamon rolls in the fridge sound really good
• How can guys play basketball at all hours of the day? It can't be that much fun, can it?
• I need to do laundry
• The kitchen needs to be cleaned as well
• For some reason I just want to watch a few episodes of Ax Men on the History channel
• Where's my happily ever after?
• Maybe I should watch Beauty and the Beast....again...
• I need a new book to read, even though I have 3 new ones sitting on my shelf
• Why does my roommate have to be asleep?
• I wonder if anyone is at the gym right now?
• Nah, I'll go work out later
• It's about time to pour more money into my car to keep it running
• Why is gasoline so expensive?
• I should be the next Taylor Swift
• How did an ant fall into my glass of water??
• How long has it been there....
• It's spring, why am I cold?
• I need a mani
• I should be doing something productive
• There is a recipe I pinned to my food board, I should make dinner
• Panda Express is cheaper and easier.
• I could run to Panda, eat, run home. 
• It's too cold
• I'm so lazy
• My hair is taking forever to grow out
• Fake 'n bake or self tanning lotion
• White wedges would look super cute with my new dresses
• I miss Temple Beach in Oahu
• Hiking the Y at night with glow sticks would be fun
• Country music has so many songs that relate to my life
• My life should be sitcom
• High school doesn't seem so bad right about now
• I take back all the naps I didn't want when I was little
• Sleepovers were the coolest thing ever
• Split ends are the worst.
• What would Rach do if I went and jumped on her bed to wake her up?
• She would get me back 
• Payback is always worse
• It might be worth it
• If I die, tell Apolo Ohno that I love him
• I really need food and sleep

And there ya go.  Just a little insight of my mind.  I hope you got at least a little laugh!

Picking Up the Pieces.

Have you ever sat and wondered, Why me?  Well that has been my mentality a lot lately. 
2 weeks ago today I went to do baptisms at the Timpanogos Temple for the first time.  I was so over come with joy that I couldn't keep it in.  Even though the day before my Grandma had fallen and broken her knee cap in 3 places.  I was worried sick but nothing on this Earth could stop my Grandma.  Hell, we got her a walker that night and she picked it up and carried it down the hall.  She was immortal.
A week to the day of her fall my mom and I were given the feeling of going to Payson to check on her.  By the time we got  there the police were waiting and the ambulance was on their way.  I laid beside her, holding her hand promising her I wouldn't leave her and that I would make pudding for when we brought her home from the hospital.  She never came home.
My life fell apart that night.
I felt like I was dreaming because this couldn't happen.  Not to my Grandma.  Not to my best friend.  I spent the night on her living room floor praying to hear her call my name from down the hall.  I begged that some how Heavenly Father would bring her back and she would stick her hands in the freezer and then place them on my bare back to wake me in the morning like she used to.  But she never did and I had to find ways to pick up the pieces of my life.  The more I cried the more I realized that my Grandma had raised me to be just like her. 
All I wanted to do was hike.  To make a cake or a pie or something and then run the dessert to a friend.  I couldn't just sit and wallow. Telling my Grandma to sit down was like telling a hurricane to slow down.  It just didn't work that way. And that fire was growing stronger in me. 
I didn't sleep for almost a week and to my amazement, I didn't slow down.  Yeah, I had a few moments that I tried to brush my hair with my toothbrush but that was fairly normal. 
Before the shock of her death faded I had to find other ways to pick myself up.  I am still struggling with this.
But Monday night, the night of the viewing had finally rolled around.  I had spent most of the morning crying at Grandma's casket. I didn't know seeing her would be so difficult.  Flowers were starting to be brought in.  Wreaths and plotted plants and beautiful arrangements were every where.  My Grandma loved flowers, she taught me every thing I know about  them.  I found peace in looking at and smelling the flowers. Hours had passed when my cousin came over asking who had sent  me flowers.  I looked in the corner and sure enough, there was a vase with the prettiest flowers and my name on the card.  I didn't know the name on the back of the card, neither did anyone in my family. 
A part of me started to believe maybe, somehow, my Grandma had sent them for me.  Just for me.  Every time I would start to cry, to break down, I would look in the corner and just smile.  At least someone out there still loved me.
This morning I had some down time and I wont lie, I'm scared of these moments right now.  So I decided to look up this person's name and email her asking how she knew me and why she sent me flowers.
As if I needed another shock she emailed me back.  She emailed me back saying she is my sister and has been looking for a way to contact me.  When she heard that my Grandma had passed she sent me flowers.
I have a sister.
I lost my best friend and gained a sister.
I haven't decided how to react yet.  I'm not sure if this is some sick joke.  I don't know how to handle this. 
I guess it's time for me to start baking.  Anyone want a cake? Or maybe a couple of cakes??

Cleaning Checks

It's funny how cleaning checks can be so dreaded.  You come home from school to see that white paper taped to the door and before you know it you're groaning in pain.  You start to drag your feet across the floor.  The backpack you carry seemed to gain 30 more lbs in mere seconds and your head feels too heavy to even lift up. You're half tempted to just throw your keys down the hall and run away screaming.  It's so difficult to be told that you have to clean up after your self when you have just been hiding everything under your bed and then have someone come in to tell you if you did a good enough job.  It sucks. 
Oh wait.
I love cleaning!  I love the feeling that everything is it in it's rightful place.  The feeling of peace of walking into my room after a long day at school and I can just crash on my bed for an hour until it's time to do homework or run errands or whatever.  It's really nice.
I realized something this morning while I was making my bed.  We have cleaning checks once a month to make sure everything it working properly and just because it's healthy, we tend to slack in college because other things take precedence, like sleep.  Is this true in a metaphoric sense as well? 
As much as it hurts me to admit, I am not perfect.  There are subjects I need to improve and I have good habits that I have been slacking on.  But please, let's keep that as a secret between you and me.  I don't want my minions to get any ideas.
For example, I used to be so good at running. I loved running! I could run for miles and miles.  Now I run probably two times a week and it kills every time.  I need to find a time every other day to run...Ugh, I can already feel the muscles in my legs starting to hurt...
Scripture Study.  I have always struggled with this.  When I read, I can read for hours.  I don't know why but I love reading the scriptures.  But I always forget.  I will be sitting in class when I remember that I didn't read this morning....or last night...or the day before...So I tell myself that I'll read the moment I get home.  When I finally get home I have forgotten because the only thing I want to do is eat food and take a nap before I have to write that eight page paper that's due on Monday. And study for the quiz on Tuesday.  And write that other paper due Wednesday.
Complimenting people is a random one I need to work on.  I love it when I'm walking to class and some random person will walk up to me just to say they like my shoes, or they think my backpack is cool or whatever.  It always makes me smile.  Whenever I'm in public I always see a couple of people and think to myself, "Goodness, I love her skirt!" or "He has the coolest long board I've ever seen!" but I never have the guts to go up and tell them that.  It makes my day every time I get a random compliment, I need to share my random compliments with others as well.
Maybe I should start to make a list for every month just to make sure I'm keeping up on things that I should probably be doing every day.
Oh the many joys of cleaning checks!

Pilot

Every one struggles, every one has trials.  Some times it feels as if we are never able to catch a breath.  It is truly amazing that there are what, 7 billion?, people on this Earth and we all need different ways of coping. This is my way of coping, by sharing how I live my life, how I survive college and search for the true meanings in life, and hopefully someone out there can relate and can find a moment of relief from this crazy world within this haphazard blog.

My name is Becca. I am currently attending college at Utah Valley University studying Exercise Science with a minor in Psychology.  Similar to pretty much every one here in Provo, Ut, I consider myself a 'Starving Student'.  For those of you who do not know what that means it is pretty simple, we are students that never turn down food because we are poor.  Like dirt floor poor.  Or we at least just like to eat a lot... Either way, if food is present you can count on a lot of college students showing up at your door.

News Flash: The economy sucks. I bet you didn't know that, did you?  Granted, there are some folk that aren't struggling at all, that live in their happy little mansions made with gold.  I would like to take a moment and say to those people, you're great, but for this post feel free to sit down and let those of us who live on coupons have a moment of our own. Thanks :)

Yes, I am one of those coupon girls but don't worry, I'm not like those crazies at Walmart with a 102 coupons.  Well, not yet at least. 

I won't lie, it's so difficult sometimes being in college.  We are told these are the best years of our lives.  Say what?  Living on Ramen noodles and 8 hours of sleep a week are as good as I'm ever gonna get??  I sure hope not. 

I remember back in high school day dreaming of living on my own, working, going to school and partying all the time.  I remember planning all the awesome meals I would make, how I would decorate my apartment, the parties I would have.  Man, who knew it wasn't all cheesecake and plum fairies?  I actually have to work. Eww.  And learn to like the store brand over the more expensive box of Gold Fish. 

As if you couldn't tell already, this post is about saving money when it comes to groceries.  I am very proud to say that I just got home from Winco where I spent less that $25 for food for the next 3 weeks!  Yes, you may applaud now.

But for reals, this has taken much practice.  Learning to cut portion sizes was hard enough, but now to eat dinner out of a box when I am so used to home cooked meals with rolls, salads, and of course, deserts. 

Did you know you can buy a box of Pasta Roni for 80 cents.  That's two meals right there!!  Lunch and dinner and BAM! You just saved a couple of bucks on a meal!

But why you may ask?  To be honest, there are a lot of reasons.  Learning to live on a budget is great for the future.  Who knows what gas will cost in 10 years let alone tomorrow! 

Also, you become very appreciative of those nice meals you get every now and then when you go home.  I bet you never really thanked your mom for cooking dinner as a kid until you grew up, moved out, and realized just how hard it is to cook 3 meals a day.  Especially when your roommate used the last of the eggs and you were hoping to make cupcakes for that new guy in the complex. Guess that plan has to wait until next week...